JiML's Fhistle to save lives in China

JiML the well known mass marketer of devices such as, the "energy saving cod fish" and the, "eco mop saddle", has announced a new initiative that could help the lives of thousands of children in China. JiML propose that their Fhistle device, otherwise known as the fart whistle could be recycled as a breathing device to aid those in smog filled areas with asthma.

Right: one young chappy trying his Fhistle

The Fhistle, invented by Karl Himenbuster, California in 1912, originally was a device that allowed the wearer to flatulate profoundly in high density areas without odour or embarrassment, but instead filtered the gas and produced an innocent whistle noise. Widely used in the trenches in WW2 by the allies, you can often hear the whistle on old war films at that time, but was banned by the military as it was often mistaken for the 'attack whistle', also used in the trenches, and as a result caused many accidental deaths.

JiML now propose that all Fhistle owners should send their old Fhistles to the polluted regions, so that the children with asthma there can use them in the mouth, as a breathing device. JiML Ceo Bartlet Franklyn said "its a great device, it filters fart air so why not smog...yes?......YES.... YES.... YAHOO! IM YOUR POPPY".
JiML did say that they didn't want any Fhistle pre 1976 as they could contain shitlets.

White House Error Endangers Many

In a recent address to the nation, on the war in Iraq, the president, Mr Bush was quoted as saying "I have no doubt in my mind, that with the help of our forces, and those in the pentagon, we will have a resolution and victory in this war on Trevor...".

This vocalised bungle by the president was taken as a literal order on the armed forces controlled by the Pentagon to mount an armed assault on all known citizens in America with the name Trevor. So far nine Trevors have been shot, one fatally and twelve others are under siege in there homes. A leading authority on “accidental attacks on people by large armies” and author of the book "Dont Shoot! Im Sammy Bonluden", Dr Harold Faulkling has claimed that "This is the worst case I have ever witness of its kind. My heart goes out to all Trevors and there families at this time".

Until the order is revoked by the president, all Trevors are at risk, and currently Mr Bush is too busy under going pronunciation lessons. A spokesperson for the White House said "our president does not wish to further cause more errors in the military". When pressed the spokesperson admitted that Mr Bush had been noticed pronouncing "federal reserve" as the alarming "attack Europe with nuclear weapons" and that this had to be resolved before his bath time.

Drugs Bust Injures Four Police Officers!

An algerian lady faced 15 years today in a dutch prison, over alegations that she detonanted her false breasts, which were at the time full of the illegal drug animorphal E5.

Left: Police in the port of Rotterdam and inset a small animal

The drug, used mostly in the chess and crossword community as a retardant to their over intellectual brainage, is also known to cause severe 'small animal mating' when taken in larger doses. Three dutch police men and one women suffered small animal mating related injuries when the bust exploded in the port of Rotterdam. The female officier as a result, has lost all use of her knee caps due to 'prolonged K9 positioning " and one of the men is still incapable of pronouncing the word "effortlessly".

Police in holland are now calling for a europe wide database of nipple prints to counter this growing menace. Superintendant Ikbar Von Shitzel of the Dutch police force stated "Dish womens was asked to exposeh her breastige and refused, upon examinings dish breastige de ladish exploded dem over the faceish of de offiishcers wibble wobble tinglish.....Brrrr"

Eight people and one cat have already died this year due to this drug.

Gay Outbreak in Thailand

Above Tom Cruise and Right two men who may have contracted 'the gay'

Below demographic of groups effected
The Thai government has confirmed an outbreak of 'the gay' in rural villages around the country. Mostly confined to males under 20, this still may cause economic turmoil as shares in the country’s biggest 80's rock store plummet to a 4 year low. A store worker there said to our reporter "they don’t come no more...they all a gay now, no like the White Snake". A spokesman for the Thai government addressed a health forum yesterday in Dubai and announced new
measures to counter the growing gayness, which include a TV ad campaign and the removal of Tom Cruise from the areas affected.

We talked to the people on the street in Thailand who said of the outbreak "you look for good time? i cheap...i cheap", then we talked to a person who was not a prostitute who said "My father used to work day and night to support us, but now all he can do is watch 'Remains of the Days' and swing joyfully on swings with a gay abandon"

Although still in its early stages a vaccine for 'the gay' is under trials in Austin, Texas. Prof. James Kindlefish of the Austin National Association of the Liberation of the United States Male, or ANALUSMALE for short, said "Were very close to a vaccine at this point. Tests on humans in the last 8 month show a growing dislike of Judy Garland and a tendency to get fat, all good signs".

NEWS JUST IN!

Huckabee seen holding a small members of staff in an effort to be seen more gigantic in presidential race!

A spokesman for "The National Small People Who Love Polititions And Viagra" or TNSPWLPAV said in an interview with "Get F*&Ked" newsgroup claimed that the small person in question is currently undergoing tests in a Georgia hospital and is likely to remain small for quite some time.

Upon Hearing this Senator Obama said "...what?, are you allowed in here?", and Senator Clinton claimed no knowledge of small people in her area or the TNSPWLPAV. Watch this one closely.